The other night I turned to a back page in my Bible I hadn't seen in a while. On it I found a list of "Life Goals" I made a while back (a year? 2 years? I really don't remember).
When I looked at the list, I felt challenged but also -- honestly -- worried. Worried I'd never achieve the goals I'd set and that I'd never accomplish for the Kingdom the things I know I was put here to do. Because when you're neck-deep in the toddler years, it's hard to see yourself accomplishing anything more than a full night's sleep or a day with no potty training accidents (both of which are huge).
I actually had an opportunity to go on a mission trip this year and in the end, opted not to go. Both my kids are at pretty needy stages, and plus, leaving them with anyone for a week seemed like too much to ask.
Maybe I missed God by backing out. I'm really not sure.
All I know is that handling the laundry, three meals a day and umpteen diaper/panty changes feels like all that I can swing. And while I know there's eternal value in being a mom (I really do know), it's still hard not to feel like I'm not doing much. Especially since I've always had a heart for missions/orphans/theworld.
(And especially when there are people like this, whose load is more than I'll probably know in a lifetime)
"Isn't there more I should be doing?"
I ask myself that all the time. Or maybe it's God asking the question? But then Selah starts screaming and I tell myself (Him?) that I'm sorry but this is all that I can do!
What about you, moms? Outside of being a mom, do you feel like you're not accomplishing much? I want so badly to make my life matter. Really, radically matter. It's just hard to focus on the world when the two tiny people in your own house are so all-consuming.